Dear the Gillette©
I’m writing to complain about one of your products, but first I think some context is required to understand the nature of my grievance.
I used to look like a bear, a small cuddly one maybe, but a bear none the less.
That is, until I discovered your razors. I was walking through Boots© one day, trying to find some rash cream to help ease the itchiness that comes from looking like Yu Zhenhuan’s younger brother and as the patrons of Boots© scurried away from me, yowling in fear and fighting for the exit, I stumbled across the razor aisle. That’s when I saw it, shining with almost holy light from inside its blue and orange plastic casing, the thing I had needed all my life, but didn’t know. It was nothing other than your razor, the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor©.
I staggered towards it, my furry feet slipping and sliding on the polished tiles of Boots© in my hurry. I grabbed the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor©, clutching it to my woolly bosom like a long lost relative. Tears rolled from my eyes, matting in the merged beard and fluff that coated me.
I stumbled to the counter like I was in a dream. Sadly the cashier had gone, her chair spinning slowly as if she had left it in a hurry. I too was in a hurry, I needed to try out my new found reason for existence, so I left the appropriate money by the till and shuffled home.
I burst through my front door and sprinted to the bathroom, a trail of malting fur gently fluttering to the ground behind me. Like a hairy, hairy beast I ripped the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© from its packet with my bare teeth. Trembling with excitement, I turned the razor’s battery on, the vibrations sending waves of pleasure through me; it was impossible to keep a squeal of joy from escaping my downy lips.
I first tried it on my face; the hair fell in waterfalls of brown springy bits, carpeting my bathroom floor. For the first time in years I saw my fleshy cheek. Excited by the transformation I eagerly tested it on my stomach, arms, hands, fingers and legs. It was remarkable, I didn’t realise I was that ugly.
But, that didn’t matter, with this tool, with this Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© I could finally enjoy soup, eggs and general sauce based foodstuffs in restaurants without having to take a quick dive into the local swimming pool on my way home.
I was a changed man, I could live again. For I am smooth, hear me roar.
However, at this point I ran into a problem. Now, I know you’re only supposed to use the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© on your face rather than your whole body, but in my defence the incident did occur when I returned to my upper personage. My cheeks were bare, my eyebrows manageable, my nose unblocked, the only thing left was to tidy up my neck.
I was in a near rapturous state at this point, my hand shivering with joy as well as the cold air that I could now feel blowing across my body. I applied the razor, but my shaking hand and the vibrating Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© suddenly turned on me.
The world spun around, over and over again, blurring into streams of colour. It finally came to a rest and my view was an odd one. I was looking across miles of fluffy brown mountains, the sky a strange pearly white, sectioned into squares. I couldn’t understand what had happened.
Then it struck me, those blades are very sharp.
From the original bliss of hairlessness and being able to finally show the world who I am, I now have to wear a stiff turtle neck. On windy days I can’t leave the house and my friends think I have become obstinate as I won’t agree with anything they say.
I hope someone in your complaints department has dealt with a similar issue before to speed up the process. I expect to hear from you in due course.