Dear the Gillette©

I’m writing to complain about one of your products, but first I think some context is required to understand the nature of my grievance.

I used to look like a bear, a small cuddly one maybe, but a bear none the less.

That is, until I discovered your razors. I was walking through Boots© one day, trying to find some rash cream to help ease the itchiness that comes from looking like Yu Zhenhuan’s younger brother and as the patrons of Boots© scurried away from me, yowling in fear and fighting for the exit, I stumbled across the razor aisle. That’s when I saw it, shining with almost holy light from inside its blue and orange plastic casing, the thing I had needed all my life, but didn’t know. It was nothing other than your razor, the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor©.

I staggered towards it, my furry feet slipping and sliding on the polished tiles of Boots© in my hurry. I grabbed the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor©, clutching it to my woolly bosom like a long lost relative. Tears rolled from my eyes, matting in the merged beard and fluff that coated me.

I stumbled to the counter like I was in a dream. Sadly the cashier had gone, her chair spinning slowly as if she had left it in a hurry. I too was in a hurry, I needed to try out my new found reason for existence, so I left the appropriate money by the till and shuffled home.

I burst through my front door and sprinted to the bathroom, a trail of malting fur gently fluttering to the ground behind me. Like a hairy, hairy beast I ripped the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© from its packet with my bare teeth. Trembling with excitement, I turned the razor’s battery on, the vibrations sending waves of pleasure through me; it was impossible to keep a squeal of joy from escaping my downy lips.

I first tried it on my face; the hair fell in waterfalls of brown springy bits, carpeting my bathroom floor. For the first time in years I saw my fleshy cheek. Excited by the transformation I eagerly tested it on my stomach, arms, hands, fingers and legs. It was remarkable, I didn’t realise I was that ugly.

But, that didn’t matter, with this tool, with this Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© I could finally enjoy soup, eggs and general sauce based foodstuffs in restaurants without having to take a quick dive into the local swimming pool on my way home.

I was a changed man, I could live again. For I am smooth, hear me roar.

However, at this point I ran into a problem. Now, I know you’re only supposed to use the Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© on your face rather than your whole body, but in my defence the incident did occur when I returned to my upper personage. My cheeks were bare, my eyebrows manageable, my nose unblocked, the only thing left was to tidy up my neck.

I was in a near rapturous state at this point, my hand shivering with joy as well as the cold air that I could now feel blowing across my body. I applied the razor, but my shaking hand and the vibrating Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor© suddenly turned on me.

The world spun around, over and over again, blurring into streams of colour. It finally came to a rest and my view was an odd one. I was looking across miles of fluffy brown mountains, the sky a strange pearly white, sectioned into squares. I couldn’t understand what had happened.

Then it struck me, those blades are very sharp.

I have attached an image to show you the predicament I am currently in thanks to your Gillette© Fusion© Proglide™ Power© Razor©.  Gillette Whoops

From the original bliss of hairlessness and being able to finally show the world who I am, I now have to wear a stiff turtle neck. On windy days I can’t leave the house and my friends think I have become obstinate as I won’t agree with anything they say.

I hope someone in your complaints department has dealt with a similar issue before to speed up the process. I expect to hear from you in due course.

Much Love,

Neville Haley


4 thoughts on “Gillette

  1. was that really necessary? a creative piece of writing nevertheless but by no stretch of the imagination relevant to any real gardening patterns. I cannot stress enough the importance of getting this absolutely wrong, all of the time, because when you have begun to painstakingly strip back this fundamentally floored yet surprisingly light rude weather map it will all very quickly become pivot,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lets make comfortable a thing of the past and move awful forward to go massively backstroke with the one and only true queen of shave law still making moves and beating time with smoulder and tackle.

  2. I have been using fusion blades for some time now But recently I bought fusion blades and they seam dull, I have a light beard. The fusion blades I bought this time don’t seam to shave smodly they pull and scarp.

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