You claim that your food is filled with essential nutrients to help kittens grow big and strong. You have no idea how right you are. To be honest I think that you are selling yourselves short and should really blow your own trumpet about how big and strong a kitten will become if their diet consists exclusively of Whiskas Kitten food.
I’ll never forget the day that I arrived home with Dexter. My wife had commanded me to bring home a kitten that was so pure and regal that it would make all other felines that have lived before it fade into insignificance.
I should tell you now, before I go any further, that ever since my wife traced her bloodline directly back to Bastet my life has been a never ending cycle of cat worship. As advocates of felines I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that Bastet was the Egyptian Cat Goddess par excellence from around 1000BC and was also the Goddess of fire, pregnant woman and the home. I’ve often wondered that, if faced with a burning house, which my wife would save first. Would it be the cat, the home or any pregnant women that were inside? In all honesty it would probably be the cat. Anyway, I digress.
I had searched far and wide (the local pet shop is almost 3 miles away) and had returned with the new Pharaoh to our pyramid temple. On a side note, getting planning permission for that was an absolute nightmare. You would have thought that with the recession and all, that the local council would be encouraging building work to stimulate the construction industry. Oh look I’ve gone off topic again; I’m such a scatter brain! Anyway, the Lion King and I were greeted by the Mrs who had sacrificed a goat to the fire/cat/house/maternity Gods, as is tradition. It was at this point that I logged onto the Whiskas website for some kitten advice.
I have an old laptop so I had just enough time to call the police station to confirm I hadn’t been near Simon that day (that’s another story altogether) whilst it loaded up.
The first words I saw were ‘When your kitten first arrives at home, it is perfectly normal for them to be a little (or very!) nervous of their new surroundings: your house will be full of strange sights, sounds and smells that the kitten will not be familiar with, so they will need some time and reassurance to adjust.’ Now I’m sure that you have plenty of experience with cats but I can tell you that you were way off the mark on this occasion. El Presidente took one look at his surroundings and proceeded to strut around the house like he owned the place. This was not totally unexpected as my wife was able to directly communicate with my new overlord, putting him at ease instantly.
She offered to translate for me. He said “Meow” and I was informed this meant “Dexter would like you to make my dinner and go shopping for more cat food. I think you may need to get some more Lynx whilst you are out as I saw you had run out.” I was very impressed that the Tsar could articulate himself so well considering that a) he was only 12 weeks old, and b) he is a cat. Anyway, I am duty-bound to provide for my family so I distracted my better half from covering the walls with hieroglyphics by handing her the sacred rattle and basket of Bastet whilst I cooked dinner. I then went out for cat food. This is where things get a bit weird.
I was perusing the shelves of my local supermarket, scrutinising every label to try and find the best food for Darth Dexter. I settled on Whiskas for two reasons. The first was that I was very impressed with how you have been stopping cats’ tummies grumbling since 1958. I love how you work with the WALTHAM® Centre for Pet Nutrition to develop products that constantly improve nutrition and care. It was important to me that your chefs spend a long time coming up with tasty new recipes and perfecting the old ones, creating deeply delicious meals that my cat will love. I was comforted by how you ensure all your meals are full of natural goodness and nutritionally complete and balanced, helping the world’s pets to live healthier and happier lives. The second reason is that the box was damaged and it was down to £3.19 for 12 pouches. That’s good business as far as I’m concerned.
I returned home with a box of cat food under one arm and a carrier bag full on Lynx in the other (I like to bulk buy) and proceeded to open the sachet. Sultan Dexter graced me with his presence for the first time since he had crossed the threshold. He devoured the contents of the bowl and as he walked away he said “Meow” again. I was informed this meant “Well done for choosing Whiskas. Kittens need nutrients like vitamin A for eyesight, vitamin E for a shiny coat, calcium for strong bones and teeth, proteins for general growth and lots of calories for energy. I will allow you to live here for the foreseeable future.” I felt blessed.
This continued for several months. As the Raja grew so did his appetite. I hardly noticed him growing at first but I soon saw he was developing into a fully grown cat. He would eat more and more and then lavish me with praise which was translated for me. I found it odd that the cat was so insistent on me buying Cartier watches and booking luxury holidays for my better half but thought it was a small price to pay for a quiet life. This cycle continued. Emperor Dexter would eat more and then grow more. This eventually ended up with me buying several tonnes of Whiskas each week. Despite the now daily deliveries from the Sainsburys depot and the crippling financial implications this was having, I was happy. My wife was overjoyed with her feline friend and all seemed well in the world. I was working so much overtime that I wasn’t ever at home. I had to work both my usual 16:00-00:00 shift at the toll booth and then work 00:00-08:00 as overtime. I even did 2 months on the 08:00-16:00 shift as somebody was ill or something (I even won the coveted Best Toll Both Attendant in the 08:00-16:00 slot award for the first time ever). I didn’t even have time to shower between shifts (the stockpiled Lynx came in very handy). After 18 months away from home I decided to drop in and visit to see how the family were getting on. I had taken the precaution of stopping for some Whiskas on the way back. I could have never imagined what would happen next.
Several streets from my house I noticed a giant shadow had engulfed the entire area. At first I thought that there had been a solar eclipse, the sudden transformation from daylight to darkness catching me off guard. I looked up towards the sky and saw a giant catlike silhouette adorn the horizon. Then I thought that we’d had an extension built. The wife has always said that all we needed to complete our temple was a structure that would put the Great Sphinx of Giza in the shade. I was impressed with what she had done with the place and was admiring how lifelike it looked from a distance when the unthinkable happened. The extension moved and looked straight into my petrified eyes.
I craned my neck up towards Catzilla and cowered in fear. He bounded towards me excitedly, crushing several of my neighbour’s cars in the process, stopping just before he trampled me. He lowered his head towards the ground and that was when I saw her. My wife was sitting on a golden throne atop of Dexter, making a fuss of him and generally acting like a crazy cat lady.
“Hi Hubby. How’s it going?” She said in the most nonchalant manner possible.
“Erm, I’m ok thanks. Something seems different here.” I was hoping this would be enough of a probing statement to find out what happened.
“Yeah, I’ve grown my hair. Do you like it?” Turns out I was wrong about the probing statement.
“It’s lovely. Anyway, the cat seems to have grown well.”
“Well that’s because I’ve been giving him Whiskas Kitten Dry food to supplement his diet. He has benefited from lots of calcium for growing bones and protein for growing bodies, plus all the natural oils and minerals his body needs to function healthily”.
“It turns out that by combining the two types of food he gets so much nutritional goodness that he has grown into a big, healthy boy. Anyway why aren’t you at work? This lovely kitty doesn’t feed himself. Well technically that isn’t true but that business with the Smiths is water under the bridge now.”
“Yes dear, I’m on my way now. See you soon.”
With that I turned my back on my family and returned to work. As I write this I’m sitting in the toll booth, having worked 67 hours straight in order to satisfy Dexter’s insatiable appetite. Sometimes when the sky is clear I can see him from my vantage point on the bridge, a reminder of the happiness I have brought into the world.
Anyway, congratulations on having the most nutritional cat food on the market. I thought that most people who go to the trouble of actually writing to you are doing so because they have a complaint to make. Hopefully this letter will give you the reassurance that Whiskas is doing everything right in the eyes of my family.