Dead Engineer

Sadly we haven’t had any responses from companies this week, so to tide you over enjoy this communication thread I had with a spambot. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

1-revisedGood Day,

I am Barrister Godwin Lambert, an attorney to late engineer cpt bumfluff, nationality of your country who died in fatal car accident and left behind a deposit of US$10.2Million in a bank.

I hereby seek your consent to present you as the next of kin since you have the same last name and I have the documents that would confer you the legal right for the claim.

Looking forward to hearing from you, contact me for more details at my private email address:

Regards,
Godwin Lambert ESQ

2-revisedDear Barrister Godwin Lambert,

Oh my god my brothers dead? When did that happen? I was only talking to him last night. Where in nationality of your country did the accident occur? I bet he was trying to juggle whilst driving again, he was always doing that.

And where did he get $10.2Million from? Cheeky git asked me to front him twenty quid last week. And I don’t know who told you he was an engineer, unless street cleaners have had their description modernised again.

Obviously I consent to all of that lovely money. How do you want to go about sending me the cash? Unmarked non-sequential bills is probably best for me (Inland Revenue can be a tricky lot).

Much Love,
Neville

3-revisedDear The,

Thanks for your email. I am happy to receive your response in regards to the mutual business proposal. After the death of Cpt Bumfluff I tried all my best to locate his direct family but all my efforts were in vain. Now, Bank has mandated me to present the next of kin to my late client otherwise his funds will be transferred into government account as unclaimed deposit.

Actually, the part you are required to take in this transaction is risk free and it can never endanger you position in any way. First of all I will have to send to you the text of application which you have to fill and send to the bank, making reference to the account number and inquiring on how to have your late Uncle’s or brother fund transferred to your account, which will be contained in the application.

After the bank must have received the application from you, in turn they will have to send to you the bank questionnaire, on the questionnaire you have to answer the necessary information as required from the Bank. The information supplies by you will be used to determine your true position as the  bonafide next of kin to the deceased customer. All the information required will be relayed to you by me, if the information supplied to the bank are genuine, then the bank will sign the approval for the release and transfer of the fund to your given account.

Send the following information’s to me so that i can draft and send to you, the text of application which you will send to the bank requesting them to release the deposit to you.

Your full names…..
Occupation…..
Age…..
Telephone…..
Address…..
Your email address…..

Please, do respond back as soon as possible. +228 9097 08 37 is my direct number.

Regards,
Godwin Lambert

4-revisedDear Godwin Lamber,

Thank you for your response. Apologies for my delay in replying. I had some trouble with a grizzly bear, it was a bit messy, there was a lot of honey.

I’m somewhat confused, I thought I would count as direct family? But, hey no sweat, at least I can still get hold of that cash. I’m afraid I’ve never heard of the bank called Bank before, but I guess if it’s got an account with $10.2 million sitting in it then it’s not a typical high street bank. You know, like Coutts in London.

I’m not sure I understand, why will the bank relay their information through you rather than me directly? Are they not fond of poor people? You know what, it doesn’t matter. I’d do anything to get hold of my dead engineer (!) brother’s money.

Please see below for the details you require.

Full Name: Neville Haley
Occupation: Aspiring Astronaut, actually Toll Booth Attendant
Age: 25 3/4
Telephone: HTC One XL
Address: 4 Imaginary Lane, Madeuption, Dreamshire, UK LI4 5ZZ
Email Address:

I tried to call you shortly after I got this rather official looking Facebook message, but some reason the phone number you sent me belongs to a company called Madame Relaxo’s. After five minutes and a two dollar a minute fee I realised it wasn’t you.

Please see send me the correct phone number, if you can.

Much Love,
Neville

5-revisedMr. Lambert,

It has been nearly a week now and I haven’t heard from you. I understand you might have a lot on your plate (according to one of my friends you recently informed him his mother had been killed in a similar accident) but I am still waiting on baited breath for your response.

I’m hoping to get this transaction sorted out soon as possible as I received a call the other day from somebody who claimed to be ‘my brother’. I told him he was a sick individual to use my brothers name in vain for what was probably a sneaky scam, and slammed the phone down on him.

Sadly it was a mobile phone so now I need the money more than ever to replace the cracked screen.

Please respond in due course.
Kind Regards,
Neville Haley

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