Marmite – Part One – Primordial Gloop

Dear The Marmite,

As you yourself know your product has become synonymous in the UK with the concept of pleasure vs. disgust. The black and white issue of enjoying something or wanting to toss it off a cliff could not be better encapsulated than by your products dictum: Love it. Hate it.

When trying to describe something such as a film, band or ‘bubbly’ personality the phrase ‘Marmite’ is used as linguistic shorthand to mean you either heartily appreciate them, or want to toss them off previously suggested cliff. Continue reading



Dear the eHarmony,

I’m writing to complain about your online dating site, specifically your claims of using ‘smart’ algorithms twinned with scientific rigour in the application of finding someone to suck face with.
Continue reading


Dear the Snickers,

I am a lifelong admirer of your chocolaty, caramelly and nutty bar. I have stuck with you through thick and thin over the years, and had my loyalty tested when you went from Marathon to your current name of Snickers. But I persevered with you with the utmost loyalty, like a guide dog to their blind handler, or a hyperactive child to a blue Smartie. Unfortunately the swinging axe of doubt has gashed me once again, and I have been forced to write to you with a grave concern that’s been bugging me for the best part of a month now. Continue reading