Dear the Santa,

As a lifelong supporter of your cause, I would like to congratulate you on the fine job you do on a yearly basis delivering gifts around the Christian world. Even the most stoic DHL delivery driver would struggle to do the work you do in a single night. Continue reading



Dear The Evian,

You claim on your official UK website that Evian is ‘completely untouched by man’ and that it is ‘pure and refreshing’. Now from my uneducated point of view that means that it is water, pure and simple (or refreshing if you want to keep being difficult). Continue reading

Marmite – Part Three – The Wrong Idiot

The finale of this somewhat epic complaint to poor old Marmite. It’s probably best to head back and read the previous two posts, or this is going to make even less sense.

Two uncomfortable minutes of standing quietly later we emerged from the office and headed down the corridor. I followed Philomena through a side door that led directly into the main warehouse. Racks upon racks of perishable items ran down the cavernous space, more food and general household goods then a family could get through in a life time. A couple of Lovers were patrolling the area, keeping an eye out for infiltrators. They nodded to Philomena respectfully, whereas I received wary looks. Continue reading

Snickers Reply

Dear the Punters,

As you are fully aware, I have posted a letter of complaint to Mars Chocolate UK, owners of the delectable Snickers bar. On Monday morning, a rather damp letter addressed to myself was slammed through the letter box by my over zealous postman. I opened it with much anticipation, as I never got letters, and knew exactly what it was. Sadly, it wasn’t the annual Earwax Society newsletter, it was a reply from Snickers about my complaint. I read through it and was amazed at how well written it was, I’m pretty sure it had been written especially for me, and not had bits filled in by a mail merge system.


Major Lee Pistov

Snickers Reply