Dear The Evian,
You claim on your official UK website that Evian is ‘completely untouched by man’ and that it is ‘pure and refreshing’. Now from my uneducated point of view that means that it is water, pure and simple (or refreshing if you want to keep being difficult).
However, after my recent encounter with your product I would beg to differ. It’s left me shaken, confused and not feeling quite myself, things that water really shouldn’t do to you unless it’s mixed with a bottle of whisky.
You see, I’m a fan of water, in all honesty I probably couldn’t live without it. I love that tricksy little H2O molecule so much that I have been known on occasion to even bathe in the stuff.
You know how you feel when you look at a wee beautiful baby and a torrent of emotions bubble and froth up until you’re turned into a Mount Vesuvius of wonderment and tears? That’s how I feel whenever I see a puddle.
As such, I’ve always got a bottle on. Now normally I’m pretty old school with my dihydrogen monoxide and tend to drink it straight from the tap. I’ve always lived a bit on the wild side. I’m also incredibly tight so I’ll avoid spending money whenever I can.
However, on the day in question I was out and about in my town and couldn’t find an unattended garden hose anywhere. After wasting an hour trying to find an alternative I gave myself up to the gods, reluctantly dug out some coins and headed for the nearest supermarket.
I then changed my mind and went to the second nearest supermarket (it’ll take a while to explain why I avoided Sainsbury’s, it really is quite a long story).
I inspected the packaging as this bottle was going to have to last for about a year before I forked cash out for another. I have to say your packaging survived my stress tests far better than any other bottle I flung at the wall, so well done for that at least. The security man wasn’t so impressed with my rigorous consumer analysis and asked me to leave. So I went to the third closest supermarket.
After having a brief argument with the shop attendant who blatantly tried to rip me off by overcharging on a basic component of a human’s existence I got my bottle of Evian, albeit no change.
As you can imagine after walking for a good 25 miles I was fairly thirsty at this point, so I downed the bottle then and there in the car park. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve, let out a resounding burp, declared the drink a success and made to go home.
This is when I encountered my problem. I started walking to the exit, but couldn’t seem to find it. The cars all appeared to of grown around me, and walking itself had become something of a difficult task. At one point I stumbled, fell over and let out a surprised wail.
As I rolled on my back a woman looked down over me, a maternal desperation in her eyes.
“Oh you poor thing. Where’s your mummy gone?” Her eyes were slowly swelling up with tears of love and wonderment.
“In a home somewhere. Can you help me up?” I attempted to say. However all that came out were a bundle of ‘groops’ and ‘wahs’.
What’s that motto of yours? Oh yeah: Evian, Live Young.
Thankfully after being trapped in a crèche for the afternoon the drink wore off and I returned to my hunky adult self. There was a moment of confusion and rapid explanation when the store guard discovered me in a distinct lack of clothing surrounded by toddlers.
Now as I said before, I’ve been drinking water for a while now and never has it regressed me to a point in my life where I lose control of my bowels, have difficulty walking or the ability to speak eludes me. Well, not unless it’s been mixed with the aforementioned whisky.
Could you get your bottling staff and your team of water scientists to check what exactly is going into your bottles?