Dear The Poundland,

Yes, yes I know, it’s me. And I know you told me not to contact you ever again and all that, but I have an issue with the correspondence you recently sent me.

Look, I know things got out of hand in your Tonbridge branch the other week, but I don’t feel that it’s completely my fault. I will admit I may have got a bit over excited at the plethora of budgeted treats surrounding me, but the flat needs a bit of sprucing up and as I’m currently between jobs this was the most affordable way of doing it. Well, apart from the 99p Store, but I am a man of class.

Getting replacement lino squares in a pack of two for a quid is a bargain, as well as screwdrivers, paintbrushes, questionable crisps, folders, art paper, white spirit, sandpaper, straw hats and all of the other bits and bobs in your cornucopia of dirt cheap gear.

It’s lucky you sell those big old ‘tramp bags’ as well, it was the only way I could get over to the counter with the hoard of gear I grabbed in my manic, personal bargain hunt.

Tramp Bag

Alright, I know I should have been more careful when approaching the counter, if anything the till lady’s face should have been enough of a warning that something bad was going to happen. But in my defence the sweat I was generating from dragging my cornucopia of cheap crap was blinding me. I chucked a couple of cans of knock off Lynx in there to prevent future moistness issues.

Or at least I thought I had.

The Rube Goldberg machine of contrived accidents that followed after I slipped on the can of pong really was nothing but pure chance. Although I have to ask you about whose decision it was to display the budget fireworks right next to the non-safety matches and white spirit.

But this is just raking over old coals (sorry), we went through this at court, so I’ll cut to the chase.

I’ve received your bill for damages wrought, and personally I think it’s a bit steep. I know you lost a fair bit of your shelf stock, back room stock and building, but surely it didn’t amount to this?


Restating what I said before, I certainly accept that I am at most partially responsible, so treating me like Germany after the Treaty of Versailles seems a tad unreasonable. As such, and to keep it thematic I have enclosed what I believe a fair recompense for destruction incurred.

Kind Regards,

Neville Haley


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