Dear The Innocent,

Why hello there, how are you guys doing? All good? Lovely.

Not that I can actually tell what you said, or even why you just spoke out loud to a piece of paper, you weirdo. But I shall assume you’re all good. And if not, chin up.

Anyway, I thought I’d send you a little note to say how much I like your products. I was going to say love, but that seems a bit strong for fruit that’s been punched into a pulp (I assume that’s how it’s prepared?).

By far my favourite drink in your range has to be the orange juice. It’s so nice to take a deep draught of a beverage that hasn’t been pressure frozen, concentrated and then ‘rejuvenated’ with perfume, flavourings and sugar like the stuff I used to buy.

Sadly for the last few months I have been unable to afford your delicious drinks, as well, you know, they’re expensive. Not that I’m complaining mind, I’m happy to pay the extra for something made from actual food.

You see, I lost my job, again (long story), so I’ve had to sell a lot of my stuff and tighten my belt. I mean that statement figuratively and literally as the lack of money also means lack of food. Still, I did try to see the situation positively. ‘It’s probably worth losing some pounds in order to save some’, I’d think to myself as I boiled my leather business shoes.

Anyway I was sitting on a reclaimed banana box in my living room one day, staring at the people passing by outside and pretending I was watching a documentary whilst I thought of what sort of job I could do.

Then it struck me, right in the ear. One of my neighbours was playing some awful dreck of a song that set my nerves on edge as my brain attempted to cease operations in order to escape it.

As I sat there, I realised what exactly I could do for employment, what I’d be perfectly suited for. You see I have schadenfreude tendencies. I get a nice feeling in my tummy if I think of someone feeling a bit miffed about something I’ve done. That’s when I decided to become a muzak writer.

So I went and traded my car for some panpipes and gave it a crack. It was a difficult start, I sent many recorded compositions off to many muzak companies, seeing if my tunes could stick to one of them. The first few letters I received in response said mostly the same thing:

Blutungen Letter

Eventually I realised my errors and fixed accordingly. Now I’m a hit! I’ve even been threatened with as much by my neighbours whenever they use the buildings elevator. You see the trick is to take popular songs and destroy them, my best one yet was a cover of Owl City’s Fireflies on panpipes and hammond organ. You should see the pained expressions on people’s faces when they get greeted with that one, it’s a hoot.

As such I’m now back in the black and can once again enjoy your delicious drinks.

I apologise if this letter seems a tad rambling, only I’m a bit lonely nowadays as no-one wants to speak to me after they’ve asked the question, ‘so what do you do?’

Anyway, thanks for the OJ and all the best.

Kind Regards,

Neville Haley.


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