Dear the Condor Ferries,
I am a great admirer of your services, and have had some fantastic times aboard your flotilla over the years. Who can forget the time we sailed through the Battle of Trafalgar? I still have the shrapnel scars as a keepsake. I think my all time favourite was the Battle of Jutland, sadly my car went overboard that day, but the travel insurance covered it. Shame about the bridge taking a shell and the captain buying it, but that’s the risk you take on these sea battle tours. But brilliant memories aside, I am writing to have a bit of a moan I’m afraid.
Dear the McDonalds,
I would like to place on record that my love for your meals runs as deep as the furring they have caused in my arteries. I am a frequent buyer of your lush McMeal, and have done so on a regular basis over the course of several years with no issues what-so-ever, until now… Continue reading
Dear the Santa,
As a lifelong supporter of your cause, I would like to congratulate you on the fine job you do on a yearly basis delivering gifts around the Christian world. Even the most stoic DHL delivery driver would struggle to do the work you do in a single night. Continue reading
Dear the Punters,
As you are fully aware, I have posted a letter of complaint to Mars Chocolate UK, owners of the delectable Snickers bar. On Monday morning, a rather damp letter addressed to myself was slammed through the letter box by my over zealous postman. I opened it with much anticipation, as I never got letters, and knew exactly what it was. Sadly, it wasn’t the annual Earwax Society newsletter, it was a reply from Snickers about my complaint. I read through it and was amazed at how well written it was, I’m pretty sure it had been written especially for me, and not had bits filled in by a mail merge system.
Major Lee Pistov
Dear the Snickers,
I am a lifelong admirer of your chocolaty, caramelly and nutty bar. I have stuck with you through thick and thin over the years, and had my loyalty tested when you went from Marathon to your current name of Snickers. But I persevered with you with the utmost loyalty, like a guide dog to their blind handler, or a hyperactive child to a blue Smartie. Unfortunately the swinging axe of doubt has gashed me once again, and I have been forced to write to you with a grave concern that’s been bugging me for the best part of a month now. Continue reading