Dear the Condor Ferries,
May I apologise most deeply and sincerely for what is about to follow. Although I may be a man with a righteous and genuine grievance, I am also British and therefore find these peculiar times that I must issue jeremiads tedious and wholly uncouth. Continue reading
Dear The Tango,
How are you guys? I haven’t seen you or your drink for what feels like an eternity. My local supermarket is bereft of your fizzy good and I don’t think I’ve seen any of your adverts on the telly since they all got banned. Despite this I have found myself in a situation where I need to complain about your company. Continue reading
Innocent got back to us, and a rather charming letter it was too.
Dear The Innocent,
Why hello there, how are you guys doing? All good? Lovely.
Not that I can actually tell what you said, or even why you just spoke out loud to a piece of paper, you weirdo. But I shall assume you’re all good. And if not, chin up. Continue reading
I sent a complaint to Parker Pens. You can see the original letter below and a painful to read transcription below that.
Dear The Poundland,
Yes, yes I know, it’s me. And I know you told me not to contact you ever again and all that, but I have an issue with the correspondence you recently sent me. Continue reading
Dear The Smirnoff,
First off, love your booze. Nothing’s better for relaxing after a hard day grafting then getting in from work at the calendar factory, grabbing your world famous vodka from the cupboard and washing the ink and grime off my poor hands. It’s far better than soap and water for the job; I’ve even used it to clean my kitchen floor and fridge. Continue reading