Poundland

Dear The Poundland,

Yes, yes I know, it’s me. And I know you told me not to contact you ever again and all that, but I have an issue with the correspondence you recently sent me. Continue reading

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Smirnoff

Dear The Smirnoff,

First off, love your booze. Nothing’s better for relaxing after a hard day grafting then getting in from work at the calendar factory, grabbing your world famous vodka from the cupboard and washing the ink and grime off my poor hands. It’s far better than soap and water for the job; I’ve even used it to clean my kitchen floor and fridge. Continue reading

Megabus

Dear The Megabus,

What do you think you’re playing at? I took one of your buses the other week and it was not the enjoyable, moderately slow and cheap journey I was expecting. In fact I got far more than I bargained for; which I suppose in a way is not bad for a quid fifty. But still. Continue reading

Wotsits

Dear the Wotsits,

Firstly may I congratulate you on your cheesy puff snacks; I find them delicious as well as dangerously moreish. They’ve been a snacking favourite of mine ever since my mum gave up feeding me properly and would just throw a family sized bag of Wotsits at my head.

“Eat them.” She’d snarl around a cigarette as she headed out to the bookies with my pocket money. Continue reading

Neville the Novel – Out Now

Dear The Audience,

I’ve written a book, it’s called Neville. You can buy a digital copy from the Amazon site here.

Also every penny from the royalties is going to Cancer Research UK, I’m not making a penny out of this. In fact I’m having to pay the taxman for the opportunity to give to charity (work that one out).

That’s all really. Enjoy.

Neville-Png